Things People Say about Short Term Memory Loss

These are things people have said over the years about my Short Term Memory Loss. 

"I forget my keys all the time. I must have a brain injury". Usually said with sarcasm. Or a forced laugh. 

• No. No you don't. You know how I know. First you did not have your skull removed. Placed in liquid nitrogen, you did not spend 29 days in hospital. You did not go through hours and hours of rehabilitation. Just so you can remember who your wife is.  
• 2nd. You don't have to spend hours pre planning the same trip to the same place. I will pre map the location to the same place I have been going for years. 

I get your trying to "find common ground" to express you understand what the results of my brain injury have given me. However it's a little like saying "I watch tv, so I can be an actor".

 Just because you forgot something does mean you have brain injury, or short term memory loss. Although it doesn't mean you don't either! Maybe you should go get your head scanned. 

"How many fucking times do I have to tell you". Usually a co-worker, sometimes a care worker, sometimes family. Never my wife. It comes from frustration. There normal functioning brain process does this. It doesn't comprehend that the building blocks of how brain works and the there brains problem solving mechanism doesn't work with me. 

Brains are funny. Have you every tried a new task. Say playing a video game. Your sitting next to someone who has played the video game before (usually you're than you) and they are trying to explain how to kill the monster, or take the turn, or get to the next level. They have done this through trial an error. They have moved on to the next level. Your playing it for the first time and just trying to remember what button is shoot. 

The person watching you keeps telling you something like "turn left. Left. Left" This is where you fail and then the person with increasing frustration and volume yells "How fucking stupid are you. Why can't you turn left"? 

Well its because they have forgotten how difficult it was the first time they did it. They don't have the patience to "walk you through it" and they truly believe you can see what they see, you remember what they remember. Why can't you just see in there brain and do what they do. 

• you will have to tell me over and over again. It's not my fault. I have a brain injury. Getting mad at me just adds to my feeling of failure, isolation, not fitting in. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. I am now asking "why can't i remember it" 
• I have had two separate jobs where people frustrated with me lied to get me fired. Once was a major running store. The manager, a retired psychiatric nurse, would purposely set me up for failure. She got jealous when people would here my story and talk about me and my journey. She purposely put things in wrong order to "test my memory" only to go "hah! see you can remember" then say "your faking it" when I did not remember. She purposely took money from the till to make it seem like I "forgot" making me spend up to 40 minutes after hours (unpaid and missing busses) to add to the reason why I should not work there. when it came time to inventory she would place herself in a location that impeded my ability to ask "where does this go" because " I should remember by now. I have been here for two weeks", as well as make sure that I could not get all the inventory done by the time my shift was over, then stating " you can't leave until that is done as she walked out" leaving me the very slow task of looking at every single item, and walking through the storage room and going through every single item until it matched. 
• My favavorite was when she would forget herself where items went. Then say "oh David put it there. It's so much effort an we are so slow when he is here". She was such a bitch. 

I get incredibly anxious. I have an anxiety disorder. It's a result of my brain "not knowing where I am" or "what am I supposed to do". To put this in perspective. You know your first day at college, or school, or a new job? 

Your brain is trying to "map out" your surroundings. Where is the bathroom, where is the lunch room, where is my exit, where is my class, office, etc. where is first aid (ok maybe the first aid is just me). Your brain goes into full functionality. This is an uncontrollable aspect of having a brain. It likes to know where shit is. 

So remember while trying to figure out where your locker is, office desk is, class room is, and then you in a class or meeting and things are starting. Your brain is overwhelmed. but you still know say, where my home is from here. How to catch the bus. Where I parked my car. You can still absorb, to some extent, what the information being presented in the meeting, class is. That is my every day. That is what I go through every single time I wake up. 

My brain does not where it is. It's brand new, every single day.


I can compensate. I am aware I have a brain injury, however this does not stop my brain from "searching" for it's location in the world.


It's like you know you if you eat a certain food your stomach will get upset. You know this. Yet the fact that you choose to eat the food, does not mitigate the fact your stomach will still get upset.


You can't say "hey stomach, I'm eating this food now and we both know it's going to make me fart and poop funny. However I am telling you this in preparation so you don't make gas and give me the runs". Your stomach doesn't give a shit (pun intended) however you sure give a shit(again pun intended). 

So the fact that I was able to complete a task yesterday. Does not mean I am going complete the same task today. Although sometimes I do. My brain has mood swings. What can I say.


Here are things people say when they find out I have a brain injury. Or ask what the huge scare is on my head. 

"Oh my sister, uncle, friend, someone I once kinda new, had a brain injury and they did "x" "

That's great. I'm happy for them. I once new a person who gave out unsolicited comments to some person they barley new and got a punched in the face. 

Ok so I never actually punched someone in the face for saying that. However I do find it intrusive at times.


I get why your trying to find a correlation. or something to put it into perspective. Your brain is looking for things to link, "brain injury", or "short term memory" to. For it's own filing. I totally get that. I actually probably get that better than you do when your saying it. It still doesn't make feel comfortable explaining a very personal medical issue with you "mr guy in elevator", or "co-worker I only see in meetings"


I mean let's talk about that "mole on your face" or that "skin rash" or your stuttering. I mean as long as were sharing personal medical information. Let's go all out. 

However my brain is not your uncles, friends, sisters friend, or some character you saw in a movie like Memento.


All our brains are unique. No one brain is like another. They are made up of so many variable that there are more unique than fingertips, or eyeballs, or snow flakes.  (yes I realize I am making specifics in a point of non specifics).


 My point, don't compare my unique brain to any other brain injury. It can't be done. The fact that you can see the huge skull scar and misshapen skull is not an indentation for me to talk to you about a very personal medical issue. especially at work, in an elevator, in line for a coffee. My brain is focused on the task at hand. You are requiring me to make a mental gear shift and it often takes a huge amount of energy for me to remember to put on pants. So sorry if I am not interested in your attempt at small talk. Have some respect.


 Two twins can have the exact same brain injury to the exact same location of the brain and have drastically different result. Its what make brain injury's so unique and head trauma so scary. 

Life With a Brain Injury Really Sucks. Sometimes

So life can really suck sometimes with a brain injury. Something so simple as getting a coffee, a pretty simple every day activity, can turn into a huge event. Here is a story about a recent experience to my local coffee shop.

I wake up. I do my routine. My eyes are drawn to the bright blinking of my cell phone. I see I have a new message. I read it as I head to the bathroom. It's an email from my wife it goes like this.

"Hi Love!

I hope you have a fantastic day

No need to cook tonight. No need to shop as we have lot's of food.

Your "unnamed coffee shop" card is full. You are love, love, loved.

Today your going to workout, clean the bathroom and look at your tasks. If your not sure of what to do let me know and I can guide you.

Xoxoxo
Wife"

While an email like this may seem controlling, or condescending or over informing, to some. For me this provides me with a direction to focus my attention. Without this information. I often "flood" I think of all the things that could possibly be done in a day.

Without these reminders, or directions. I will often spend hours. I mean literal hours with my brain filtering through all the options of what could be done in a day. Or looping. when my brain goes round and round, like a skipping record. I can't control it can take hours sometimes, it often keeps me awake as I can't "turn off" my brain.

So I put on some appropriate pants and shirt. I head to the elevator. The door opens. There are people in side. I go to swipe my key fob so I can go to the appropriate floor. I forgot my keys. Ok go back and get my keys. I jump out before the elevator closes. Im sure that looked odd to the people in the elevator.

I go back to my apartment and step inside. I see my keys in the key tray. I know I need my keys. I have no idea why. I stop. Ok I got my keys. I am dressed to go outside. I was going somewhere.

I go and sit down. I look at my notes. I turn on the news. A coffee would be good. Right a coffee. Ok I got keys, I am wearing pants. Im good to go.

On my way out the door I see a reusable cup. This triggers a memory. Right use the cup. I grab the cup. I got my keys. I got pants. Let's do this.

Head to coffee shop. Jump in the elevator and walk to the coffee shop. I get to the shop and I place the cup on the counter.

The cashier asks me "do you want to try the (place confusing name of a coffee beverage here)"

"uhm, uhm.........I just want a coffee"

"tall or grande" she asks

"oh, I'm uhm......."

"tall or grande" she asks again.

"uhm. what fits in my cup. I brought my cup. ill just fill up my cup"

coffee person "well it fits both"

'Ok just uhm the one that fits in my cup". She steps back and goes to fill out my coffee. there is a line up behind me. I don't know why but I'm feeling like I'm doing something wrong. The world seems to slow down.

I get my coffee and I walk to the sugar and cream station. The coffee cup is only half full. I am confused. I thought I asked for a coffee in my cup. Why do I only half a coffee?

I get back in line.

Ok my turn. "can I get my coffee filled to the top"

"oh you want said you wanted a tall"

me " I don't think I asked for a tall. I don't know what that means. I have a brain injury. I would have asked for my cup to be filled"

Coffee lady. "well a tall is our small and a grande is our medium"

"i just want the cup I gave you to be filled with coffee. I don't know what size this is, I am sorry I just want coffee in my cup"

She grabs my coffee with commentary force. Fills it up. Puts it down with enough force that some of it overflows. "next" she reaches past me to the lady behind me. I have not even got my coffee yet.

I walk to the sugar and cream station. I am frustrated. Did I do something wrong? was I not clear?

There is to much coffee in my cup. it overflows when I fill it up with cream. I "flood" I put the lid on. and I walk out. I drip coffee everywhere. I just want to go home.

I get to my elevator and I start to cry. Why is getting a cup of coffee so hard.

Just another day with a brain injury.